WOW you guys (my 45 followers) are getting fed well. 2 blog posts in a week?!!? What is this, twitter? Anyways...

I have been having a really difficult time with motivation lately. I've been getting anxious more often and all I feel like doing is sitting at my desk and coding while watching TV. I can't wait for Spring Break next week, but I'm so exhausted its hard to focus on that. Even right now, writing this blog post at 9:50PM on a school night I need to be memorizing 2 monologues for my Acting class. I LOVE acting. Why do I not want to do it right now? Its so hard losing interest in school because when I was younger, school was my WHOLE life. But now, its so hard to even get out of bed in the morning and the only thing I look forward to in school is the bus ride home, because taking the bus is my favorite.

a tangent about my bus

Every day since Freshman year – if you don't know American high school years, thats 14 yrs old usually, and I'm a Junior now *16– I've taken the same bus to school, unless I wake up late and then need to drag my booty to the bus stop a block down the road. Mind you! This is the public bus, not a little yellow schoolbus I wish I had gotten to take a school bus to school when I was little, but thats a different story, so there can be scary people on the bus, for instance, old men who ask if your boyfriend is your dad. But my nice little bus only ever has 1 or 2 people on board before I get on in the morning, as I'm the 3rd-ish stop on the route. I love the people who take my bus, for 2 years a dad and his little daughter (she was probably around 6) would be on the bus every Wednesday and Friday(?) and they would read books together and the little girl would compliment my outfits. This year, I think the little girl started elementary school, because its usually just her dad on the bus to go downtown. I don't even know this man's name but if I ever saw him in public I know I would recognize him and wave! Its nice to know other people are just living their own lives and I'm always so curious how everyone on the bus got to where they are today. Its super cheesy but I think it's really beautiful ^_^

Back on track, I think spring break will be a good reset for me. As long as I actually get some time just to myself.

HI digital journal!! Long time no see ^_^ I have had a busy past few months, I was in a school play (The Wolves) (It was amazing you should look it up) and now I'm Assistant Stage manager for our upcoming spring show! Last week I saw Hamilton for the second time, and then on friday!!!! I got to meet 4 of the cast members :D

Man I am EXHAUSTED. School has been incredibly draining and trying to work on this site at the same time (even though its really fun for me and its a good creative outlet) gets really tiring. Again I keep comparing my work to those around me, especially when it comes to choosing graphics. I built this site with a cute pink theme in mind, and don't get me wrong I love it! But i feel like now I can't use any other colors. I really want to branch out, and I've been working non-stop on a new index page that I hope encapsulates the colorful-ness I want to incorporate into the rest of the site.

I like to say that I do this for myself, which I do mean, but I also like to see other people interact with it and there hasn't been much of that lately which makes me a little disheartened.

Happy New Year! I took a LONG break from updating here during my Winter break. But heres a rant-y journal entry to make up for it!

Recently, I've been having a really difficult time with comparing myself to other people on the internet. Not with looks, or anything like that but with my creativity. It feels like I am less creative than the other people I follow or interact with and its a really shitty feeling to be honest! It's been pretty prominent especially with sewing, which is one of my favorite things ever, but without money and resources to buy the fabrics I really want and school in the way of my free time, I don't get to create a lot of the things I want to. It sucks the most in the CSS/HTML community though. Because fashion yes is VERY unique, but I just make my clothes for myself and I don't have deadlines or people to impress really. But on here, I feel like I want to impress the cool webmasters that follow me, and to show that I am original and creative. I feel like my site is so jumbled or unexciting or unoriginal compared to a lot of the other people on the web and its such a disapointing feeling to spend days on a layout only to find something new the next day that is not only inspirational but INCREDIBLY creative. I don't say this to put down anyone, I am so impressed by the skills of my netneighbors, but its a sad feeling to see someone you admire make something you feel like you could never come up with (if that even makes any sense?) In addition to that, Because I am so inspired by so many people on the web I feel the need to incorporate cool things I see into my own website but even that becomes a roadblock, because I worry people may think I'm stealing code or copying someone when I just take inspiration, or even just for me personally I feel like I'm ripping off someone elses creativity and hard work. ANND THEN when I DO come up with a new idea that I feel is pretty original and cool, it doesn't match the theme of the rest of my website, and it bothers me that it doesn't look the same, so I have to go through every page AGAIN and recode and redesign it. I am my own biggest critic, and it can be a good thing but also is so upsetting with my creativity. This is so long for a first entry on the new journal but here we are!